I’ve made actual progress the past couple weeks. My current goal has been trying to focus on myself and change the things I don’t like. Ultimately, I want to be a better mother. I want to give my kids the best life possible and I want them to flourish and grow up to be big strong men. I want my kids to persevere through life and be productive, positive members of society. I want them to have dreams and work hard to achieve those dreams.
Before having children, I had all these ideas and visions of how my kids would be and what type of mother I would be. I always thought that somehow my kids would be the best of me and not pick up on the worst parts of me. It seems silly, but I really thought my kids would only encompass the parts of me that I wanted them to. Kids pick up on everything and they are way smarter than most people give them credit for. It hurts when I see them behave in a way I don’t want them to. It kills me when I realize that some of the things that they do that I don’t like actually comes from me.
I feel like some women were born to be mothers and mothering comes naturally to them. I’m talking about the moms that somehow always seem to have patience and seem to be able to handle most situations with a smile on their face. I’ve always been envious of those mothers. Those are the mothers that cook a healthy dinner every night and keep the house clean while maintaining a full-time job and taking care of the kids on top of everything else. There are some mothers that thrive on that stuff and being busy constantly doesn’t seem to affect them. That’s what I’ve been working on. I’ve been working on becoming the mother I’ve always been envious of.
It seems foolish to ask my kids to behave a certain way that I don’t. I want my kids to have patience and to not give up when things get hard. It seems only fair that I work on the same things to be able to set an example by action, rather than just words. My whole life, I’ve always been a worrier. I worry about things going on now and I worry about things that might happen in the future. All that worrying leads to negativity, aggravation, and resistance. My kids pick up on that negative energy and in return they display the same kind of behaviors. The first place to start in terms of changing how my kids act is changing the way I act. It seems so stupid, but it literally took me years to realize that.
It’s never too late to change though. Positivity doesn’t come natural to me and that’s OK. I know I can make it a learned behavior and that’s what I’m doing slowly but surely. Instead of worrying about what I need to do next or what could go wrong, I’m focusing on what’s happening right now and assuming everything will work out. When I’m making and eating dinner, I’m not worrying about how much time I have left to give the kids a bath before bedtime. When I’m giving the kids a bath, I’m not worrying about everything that could possibly go wrong or delay bedtime. When I put my kids down for bed, I’m not worrying about them possibly waking up in the middle of the night and not getting a good night’s sleep. It seems so silly to worry about anything and everything, and yet that’s how I’ve lived my life up to this point.
Living without all the worry has allowed me to enjoy my kids more. A lot more, actually. I take the extra time to have conversations with them and listen to them, even if they’re just talking silly. Instead of making sure I’m constantly being productive or preparing for the next task, I’m taking the time to watch my kids play and play with them as well. I’m making sure I’m laughing with my kids more and not taking everything so serious. I don’t want to waste any more of the time I have with my kids. I have two beautiful boys and I am so lucky to be their mom. I want to thoroughly enjoy every second I have with them and never take a single moment for granted again.
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