Slow Down

I think from time to time every parent wishes that life would slow down and their kids would just stop growing for a little bit. It’s the double edged sword: the bitter sweetness of watching your child grow and become more and more independent and needing you less and less. With every milestone comes a great sense of pride counteracted by a slight pain in the heart knowing that your baby isn’t such a baby anymore.

The reality that my kids aren’t so little anymore really hit home the other day. My oldest wanted me to pick him up, and I actually struggled doing so. He’s almost six years old and has always been above average in terms of height and weight. I’ve never had to put much thought into picking up my kids; I just do it. This time was different though. This time my arms strained and I couldn’t hold him for as long as I wanted to. I’m getting close to the point where I may not be able to pick him up anymore. I am not ready for that.

I want to start lifting weights. I want to build my upper body strength. Not just because exercising is good for me, but because I want to be able to pick up my children with ease for years to come still. I can’t make time stand still, but I can put in the work and make the necessary changes that will allow me to enjoy my kids the way I want to. I didn’t realize how big of a deal picking them up was until I strained doing so. I’m so focused on their mental growth that sometimes I overlook the physical growth.

I’ve come to accept the fact that I’m a sappy mother. I miss my kids being toddlers. I miss my kids being infants. I know it sounds crazy, but I even miss changing the poopy diapers. I don’t want to hinder my children by babying them and doing everything for them, but it is hard accepting their independence at times. I like putting on their shoes and zipping up their coats. I like brushing their teeth and helping them put on their clothes.

Their lives aren’t about me though and what I like. My job as a mother is to teach them how to be responsible and live a successful life. I want my children to be happy and to grow up to be hard working, honest men. In order for them to learn responsibility and to gain self-confidence, I need to start stepping back and letting them do things on their own. I will always be their biggest supporter and fan, but I need to make sure I don’t turn into their biggest hinderance.

I am so proud of my boys. I hope they know that.

It’s Never Too Late

I’ve made actual progress the past couple weeks. My current goal has been trying to focus on myself and change the things I don’t like. Ultimately, I want to be a better mother. I want to give my kids the best life possible and I want them to flourish and grow up to be big strong men. I want my kids to persevere through life and be productive, positive members of society. I want them to have dreams and work hard to achieve those dreams.

Before having children, I had all these ideas and visions of how my kids would be and what type of mother I would be. I always thought that somehow my kids would be the best of me and not pick up on the worst parts of me. It seems silly, but I really thought my kids would only encompass the parts of me that I wanted them to. Kids pick up on everything and they are way smarter than most people give them credit for. It hurts when I see them behave in a way I don’t want them to. It kills me when I realize that some of the things that they do that I don’t like actually comes from me.

I feel like some women were born to be mothers and mothering comes naturally to them. I’m talking about the moms that somehow always seem to have patience and seem to be able to handle most situations with a smile on their face. I’ve always been envious of those mothers. Those are the mothers that cook a healthy dinner every night and keep the house clean while maintaining a full-time job and taking care of the kids on top of everything else. There are some mothers that thrive on that stuff and being busy constantly doesn’t seem to affect them. That’s what I’ve been working on. I’ve been working on becoming the mother I’ve always been envious of.

It seems foolish to ask my kids to behave a certain way that I don’t. I want my kids to have patience and to not give up when things get hard. It seems only fair that I work on the same things to be able to set an example by action, rather than just words. My whole life, I’ve always been a worrier. I worry about things going on now and I worry about things that might happen in the future. All that worrying leads to negativity, aggravation, and resistance. My kids pick up on that negative energy and in return they display the same kind of behaviors. The first place to start in terms of changing how my kids act is changing the way I act. It seems so stupid, but it literally took me years to realize that.

It’s never too late to change though. Positivity doesn’t come natural to me and that’s OK. I know I can make it a learned behavior and that’s what I’m doing slowly but surely. Instead of worrying about what I need to do next or what could go wrong, I’m focusing on what’s happening right now and assuming everything will work out. When I’m making and eating dinner, I’m not worrying about how much time I have left to give the kids a bath before bedtime. When I’m giving the kids a bath, I’m not worrying about everything that could possibly go wrong or delay bedtime. When I put my kids down for bed, I’m not worrying about them possibly waking up in the middle of the night and not getting a good night’s sleep. It seems so silly to worry about anything and everything, and yet that’s how I’ve lived my life up to this point.

Living without all the worry has allowed me to enjoy my kids more. A lot more, actually. I take the extra time to have conversations with them and listen to them, even if they’re just talking silly. Instead of making sure I’m constantly being productive or preparing for the next task, I’m taking the time to watch my kids play and play with them as well. I’m making sure I’m laughing with my kids more and not taking everything so serious. I don’t want to waste any more of the time I have with my kids. I have two beautiful boys and I am so lucky to be their mom. I want to thoroughly enjoy every second I have with them and never take a single moment for granted again.

Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Why can’t things just be easy sometimes? Why are there so many gray areas in life? I understand that infinite choices and possibilities are what make life interesting and different for everyone, but sometimes I wish I didn’t have to make such hard decisions. Sometimes I wish the right decision would jump up and down and make itself known. I have never been in such a confusing, life altering situation.

Two months ago my ex husband made a false CPS claim against my boyfriend and I. The case was unsubstantiated and denied, but changed my life regardless. Being stabbed in the back by someone I was best friends with for ten years was mind blowing. I still have a hard time believing he actually did that. I’ve never been so betrayed before in all my life.

The thought of being nice to my ex or helping him in any way seemed absolutely impossible after all the lies he told CPS and all the unnecessary drama and trauma he caused for me and my children. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to co-parent successfully with someone I could no longer trust or wanted to be around.

All I can say is the love for my children is greater than the hate/distrust I have for my ex. I want what’s best for my children. Period. I still have hope that the three of us (my ex, my boyfriend, and myself) can be a team and be the best role models we can be for the kids. I hope when my ex gets a new girlfriend she will be a positive addition to our team as well. I hope all the drama and lies are done for good.

My children need a team. They deserve a team.

I Hope You Know

I hope you know
How much I love you
How much I miss you
How much this is killing me inside

I hope you know
You’re always on my mind
You’re always in my heart
You’re always my only wish

I hope you know
None of this is true
None of this is normal
None of this is fair

I hope you know
I miss your laughs
I miss your hugs
I miss your kisses

I hope you know
I’ll never be quiet
I’ll never stop fighting
I’ll never give up

I hope you know

Moving Out

I am officially moving out of my apartment in eight days. I’ve been staying with my boyfriend almost every night for the past few months, so at this point, I’ve pretty much been paying for an overpriced storage unit. Since I’ve already been staying with my boyfriend so often I really wasn’t expecting the move to affect me that much. As I’m packing all my things, I’m realizing that’s not the reality of the situation.

The fact of the matter is, I’m not the same person I was a year ago when I moved in here. I was separating from my husband and moving into a space that was all my own. It was the first time I’ve ever lived alone my whole life. The divorce was a mutual decision and we ended things on very good terms. Hell, he even helped me move.

A year ago I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to live on my own. I wasn’t financially scared, I was emotionally scared. I wasn’t confident in my ability to be able to truly adult on my own. What if something breaks? What if I hear something during the middle of the night? Who’s going to kill all the bugs? As stupid as it sounds, those were the things I was most worried about. On top of those things, I was scared of being alone on the nights when I didn’t have my kids. I used to love being alone, but it had been so long I didn’t know if I’d be content with just my own company.

As it turns out, I thrived. Things did break and I either fixed them myself or I called maintenance. I did hear things during the night and I was brave enough to go see where the sounds were coming from. I killed all the bugs. Every single one. I am so fucking proud of myself. I was able to find myself again and figure out who I was as a person. Figuring out hobbies was hard. Putting myself and my needs first was hard. After taking care of someone else for a decade it was hard to just focus on myself.

So much has changed this past year. Right when I felt that things were finally coming into place, my whole world came crashing down. I am now dealing with horrible accusations and lies. Even though the accusations were proven to be false and I have proof to discredit the lies, it has changed me greatly. I’m hoping I will eventually be able to move on from this because I don’t think I’ll be able to keep people around if I can’t. I have so much baggage now and I’m not sure how to unpack it all and let it go. I feel like I can’t trust anyone now and that at any moment another awful surprise might unfold. It’s amazing how someone else can change your life so much.

As I’m packing I see so much history of how things used to be. Pictures from the last 10/15 years. It’s painful looking at all of this because I know things will never be as they once were. Not even close. It feels like I have a new life now and all that memorabilia is from a completely different person. Part of me doesn’t even want to move most of this stuff. I just want to throw it in the dumpster. Although, I’m afraid I would regret it one day. I’m also afraid my kids might want to see that stuff one day.

I’m so excited to officially start this new chapter with my amazing boyfriend, but I’m also a little nervous. I have no fall back plan. I have no apartment to come back to now. If my life wouldn’t have taken such a tumble I don’t think I’d be as nervous. What if I can’t get over this stuff? What if it continues to break me until I just completely crumble? Nobody would stick around for that and I wouldn’t expect them to.

All I can say for sure is that I am ready for my happily ever after.

Staying Positive

One of the things I dislike most about myself is that I tend to be a negative person. Even when I’m actively trying to be positive, I’m still negative. I’m starting to wonder if that’s something that I can actually change, or if it’s simply just who I am. I do have moments of positivity. I’m trying to have more and to make sure I’m grateful for everything that I do have. Even though I tend to be negative, I’m usually pretty good at being grateful.

I’ve had more lies thrown at me this past month and a half than I have in my entire life. I was pretty lucky as a kid in the fact that I was never really bullied. I never really had any enemies. I’ve had a pretty peaceful, content life up until about six weeks ago. I’m not used to being falsely accused of things and I’m not used to people saying lies about me. It has been one of the most surreal experiences of my life.

I think the craziest thing is what people are willing to lie about. It doesn’t matter if you can prove the lie to be false, it was still said. It was still accused. It was still filed in a report somewhere to exist now until the end of time. No amount of truth can unsay a lie. I think that’s the craziest part of all this. The truth doesn’t always matter. The truth doesn’t always win. It should, but sometimes it doesn’t.

What makes it even worse is when the lies come from someone that you used to trust with all your heart. Being stabbed in the back by an ex lover/ex best friend is the hardest thing to come to terms with. As much as my heart wants to believe that there is no way this person could do this to me, my brain knows better. Memories are just memories and the past is the past. Time changes people and, unfortunately, sometimes it’s not for the better.

However, it’s during these super low times that it’s clear to see who your true friends are and who truly will support you no matter what. I am beyond grateful that I have coworkers who’ve had my back since day one. My family never believed a single lie and I’m fortunate for that. Amazingly, my boyfriend has stuck by my side and has been my biggest supporter. I think a lot of people would have left. I carry a lot of baggage now. Neither of us asked for this, and I’m grateful that all the lies and drama haven’t been able to end the best relationship I’ve ever been in.

How do you thank the people that have given you the strength to just keep taking it day-by-day? I haven’t been able to think of a way yet. They have given me the strength to keep fighting and the courage I need to not back down. They have been my umbrella in the rain, making sure I don’t get drenched with bullshit and corruption. I don’t know how I can ever repay them.

I am so beyond grateful for all the amazing people I have in my life. I hope I can help someone else as much as so many people have helped me. This battle is far from over, but I know with my support system I will be able to handle whatever comes my way.

Thank you

Think Of Me

Do you ever think of me?
I hope you do
Everyday, all the time
I’m thinking of you too

Do you believe what they say?
Do you think that of me?
One day, somehow
I hope you will see

Do you remember my voice?
Do you still sing your song?
Someday, sometime soon
We can both sing along

Do you even still love me?
Do you feel my love back?
Eventually, finally
We’ll get back on track

Please think of me often
Squeeze me hugs, blow me kisses
I’ll blow them back tenderly
With all of my wishes

Don’t Let It Get To You

Just don’t let it get to you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that in my life. Especially more so in the last couple months. I know I’m an emotional person and sometimes my emotions trump my logical side, but telling me to just not let it get to me isn’t helpful. Trust me, I know. If it were that simple I would do it. Even though it seems like I’m not trying, I truly am. It’s fucking difficult.

I’ve never had someone say so many lies about me and cause me so much drama and stress. It doesn’t help that this person has a very big impact on what matters most to me in the world: my kids. Going from a peaceful, drama-free life to a stressful, chaotic life almost overnight has been almost impossible to bear. I never thought someone else’s lies could impact my life so greatly.

With so many awful things going on/being said, I’m allowed to feel frustrated. I’m allowed to be fucking pissed off and angry. If I don’t accept and work through these emotions, they will eat my alive. I don’t believe “not letting it get to me” is the answer. I have to figure out what to do with my frustration, anger, and stress. I have to use those emotions in a positive way.

I am going to figure all this out. I am going to get my life back on track and try to get back to what my “normal” life used to be. After having so many lies said about yourself though, it’s hard to imagine going back to how things were before. I am not that same person I was just a few short months ago. He robbed me of an innocence that I can never get back no matter how hard I try. I didn’t ask for any of this. I didn’t deserve any of this. I wasn’t prepared to handle any of this.

I am a caring girlfriend. I am a loving mother. I am a resilient woman. I will not let this stuff break me. I’m doing the best I can. Even on the days it seems like I’m not trying, I truly am. It gets to me. I don’t think it ever won’t get to me. That isn’t a bad thing though. Being emotional isn’t a bad thing. It just requires more work to handle/process those emotions in a positive way. I’ll figure it out though. I always do.

Missing You

Yes, I know you’ve only been gone about a day and a half, but I miss you already. Hell, I missed you the second you got out of my car to board your plane. I knew I was going to miss you immediately and I knew I was going to miss you a lot, but I wasn’t expecting it to be this severe. What have you done to me?

I’m an emotional person. I have been my entire life. My logical side and my emotional side don’t always see eye-to-eye. Logically, I know you’ve only been gone a short while and you’ll be back in a week. Emotionally, it feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and I feel so incomplete. What is wrong with me?

On one hand I feel absolutely pathetic. I miss you so much that it makes me cry. I brought one of your shirts to my apartment just so I had something of yours I could sleep with while you’re gone. If I was 15 years younger maybe I wouldn’t feel so pathetic about it. I feel like I should be able to handle you being gone a week without having to sleep with one of your shirts.

On the other hand, I feel so very lucky and blessed to have someone in my life that I miss so much. To say you are the love of my life is an understatement. I feel like you are my soulmate and I’ve waited all my life to meet you. You are everything I have always wanted in a man. You have been one of the best things to ever happen to me. I feel so fortunate every single day that you’re in my life. You have treated me the way I’ve always wanted to be treated since the first day I met you. You seemed way to good to be true, but you really are just that spectacular. I am the luckiest person in the entire world.

I know you’re having fun and you totally deserve it. I’ll be OK. This is just how I am. Please don’t judge me or think negatively of me. Like I said, I’m an emotional person. I love hard. I miss hard. It is what it is.