I am officially moving out of my apartment in eight days. I’ve been staying with my boyfriend almost every night for the past few months, so at this point, I’ve pretty much been paying for an overpriced storage unit. Since I’ve already been staying with my boyfriend so often I really wasn’t expecting the move to affect me that much. As I’m packing all my things, I’m realizing that’s not the reality of the situation.
The fact of the matter is, I’m not the same person I was a year ago when I moved in here. I was separating from my husband and moving into a space that was all my own. It was the first time I’ve ever lived alone my whole life. The divorce was a mutual decision and we ended things on very good terms. Hell, he even helped me move.
A year ago I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to live on my own. I wasn’t financially scared, I was emotionally scared. I wasn’t confident in my ability to be able to truly adult on my own. What if something breaks? What if I hear something during the middle of the night? Who’s going to kill all the bugs? As stupid as it sounds, those were the things I was most worried about. On top of those things, I was scared of being alone on the nights when I didn’t have my kids. I used to love being alone, but it had been so long I didn’t know if I’d be content with just my own company.
As it turns out, I thrived. Things did break and I either fixed them myself or I called maintenance. I did hear things during the night and I was brave enough to go see where the sounds were coming from. I killed all the bugs. Every single one. I am so fucking proud of myself. I was able to find myself again and figure out who I was as a person. Figuring out hobbies was hard. Putting myself and my needs first was hard. After taking care of someone else for a decade it was hard to just focus on myself.
So much has changed this past year. Right when I felt that things were finally coming into place, my whole world came crashing down. I am now dealing with horrible accusations and lies. Even though the accusations were proven to be false and I have proof to discredit the lies, it has changed me greatly. I’m hoping I will eventually be able to move on from this because I don’t think I’ll be able to keep people around if I can’t. I have so much baggage now and I’m not sure how to unpack it all and let it go. I feel like I can’t trust anyone now and that at any moment another awful surprise might unfold. It’s amazing how someone else can change your life so much.
As I’m packing I see so much history of how things used to be. Pictures from the last 10/15 years. It’s painful looking at all of this because I know things will never be as they once were. Not even close. It feels like I have a new life now and all that memorabilia is from a completely different person. Part of me doesn’t even want to move most of this stuff. I just want to throw it in the dumpster. Although, I’m afraid I would regret it one day. I’m also afraid my kids might want to see that stuff one day.
I’m so excited to officially start this new chapter with my amazing boyfriend, but I’m also a little nervous. I have no fall back plan. I have no apartment to come back to now. If my life wouldn’t have taken such a tumble I don’t think I’d be as nervous. What if I can’t get over this stuff? What if it continues to break me until I just completely crumble? Nobody would stick around for that and I wouldn’t expect them to.
All I can say for sure is that I am ready for my happily ever after.
mysporadicthoughts.com 